Game: Fist
Maker: Imagineer
Year: 1996 or something
System: Sega Saturn
Reviewed By: Alex and Sensei
Arbitrary Rating: 23

Summary

This is by far the worst game I have ever played.

The In-depth

The best part of the game was the boot up screen, which told us the battery in the Saturn had died. Apparently it did this as a form of preemptive suicide. At this point Vinnk couldn’t find his controllers and we contemplated playing a good game instead, but for you dear readers we persevered.

The catchy pop music in the intro lasts nearly four seconds before abruptly stopping and leaving you waiting for a while in stunned silence before anything else happens. Silently, we progressed. Onto the character selection screen.

Oh Beauty Beloved

At this point we found a rather interesting feature of this game where we could have the characters explain their bust size to us and talk about how embarrassed they are. I would be embarrassed too if I was composed of no more than 17 polygons.

An epic battle of standing, waiting for the opponent to attack.

Vinnk was pretty psyched when he won his first match flawlessly. Later, we realized this was not due to any great feat of skill, but moreso that the enemy does not attack you. Instead they occasionally scoot forward or backward, possibly in an attempt to confuse you or maybe because they’re suffering from severe depression.

Onto combos and sweet tactics. We found that an unbeatable strategy is holding forward and pressing B over and over. However, feel free to experiment. You will have a long time to practice, as the early enemies will only punch at you if absolutely necessary, like if you were blocking their aimless wandering.

Rabbit vs. Rabbit: the Ultimate Battle

Once we got to the fourth round we discovered something amazing: the enemies began to punch randomly at the air. Making battles not only boring, but also long. Unless you consider beating up a nun that looks like a stripper entertaining.

At this point Vinnk got up to go get a drink and was surprised to find when he returned that his character had lost a battle. Angered by his loss, he returned with a flurry of B and forward against the cubic nightmares. Ten rounds, one button: Flawless victory.

One positive aspect to the game is there is the guy who sounds like Trey Parker singing “Now You’re a Man.” It doesn’t work well with the affectionately sappy music in the background however.

Fist can satisfy any 13-year old's deepest desires

The game has a very rewarding ending “cinematic.” You see one still frame of your character jumping and maybe breaking some glass or something while some no name j-pop artist sings some upbeat song with bits of horrible English pronunciation thrown in. At the end we got to see a shot our character wearing a penguin outfit or something.. Whatever.. Who cares? This game is crap.

Watch Vinnk play the only worthwile part of this game.